At twelve you did the unspeakable. You fell in love. You experienced a kind of love you couldn't feel anywhere else. A two minute hug in the hall between classes only felt like a second. A kiss on the cheek was enough to send your toes curling and roses to your cheeks. An arm around your waist and a "Baby get over here," was enough to make your heart pound. Love was enough to make you forget everything else. Love was enough to set sail under a rose tinted sky leaving behind worries of a bitter past. Love was enough to forget about troubles at home or with friends. His encouragement was enough to get you straight A's year round. You were sure everyone could see the pink sky and smell the flowers in the air.
     But it was only an illusion. The pink sky hid a black hole who's sight was set on you, because it was your sky and not everyone elses. The flowers in the air was to cover up the smell of rotting dreams. The flower field you had left your love behind had disappeared and its traces only a memory. The sky began to melt and the air turned to smog and you found your self fighting to stay alive. You were thrown into a world where nothing made since and school wasn't as important as the rent money.
     Your mother tried to hide it from you but you always saw the red notices under her bed. You were forced to move around and around while you watched your mother switch lovers every year, because the bills needed to get paid. You watched her struggle as she tried to keep you away from it but you were always more attentive than she though. You helped her study when she went back to school. You watched her brake your promises one after the other. You began to resent her as you did your father. You dreamed of getting out. You dreamed of finding love, no matter who's arms they were in. You dreamed of finding love comparable to a twelve year old who remained hidden behind rose shade glasses.

Disgusting.

     I never go on facebook, mainly because I don't like social networking sites. But while surfing through 'friends you may know' I saw a name I recognized but a face I didn't. So I clicked in. I found this boy I knew from elementary only now he was a lot cooler and better looking than before. I'm not saying he was cute, because to me he wasn't even slightly attractive, but he looked better than before. It was not until after that I realized it could have just been someone else with the same first name, because I couldn't seem to remember his last name at the time. Still, I realized something.
     I always stand against bullying and say I hate it and the people who do it, but I was one of them, to this boy at least. Sometimes. I would make fun of him and blackmail him with horror stories from third grade (peeing yourself in class is something you can never out live). It's not that I was so bad or mean that he hated me, he liked me and we got along fine, but I still sometimes playing bully with him.Yet when people made fun of him or made him cry I would go crazy trying to defend him.
     The point is: when I made him cry, or sad, in return I had a gratifying feeling. And I find that disgusting.
     That I could find happiness from someone elses pain scares me more than anything. I do not want to be labeled a sociopath or some other kind of -path I just want to be happy. But then as I was writing this I realized this happened in sixth grade.
     That was the period in which my parents were going through a divorce and I was no longer the only kid in class with parents who were still together. I was coming to terms with my father being from a third world country from where a women's place is the kitchen and her king, her husband. A father who I learned told my mother to get an abortion the moment he learned I had been conceived. A father who, now that I learned, was mentally and emotionally abusing me and was neglecting me. A father who called me an idiot and was convinced I would never amount to anything in life. A father who my mother felt sure would try to kidnap if he had the chance.
     This is the man that 'raised' me. This was only a short list of things he did to me, the list of mental and emotional abuse he did to my mother could go on forever. An abuse I never even noticed.
     And I realize, now, that the reason I found happiness in his, the boy I bullied, pain is because my home life went to shit in a matter of two seconds.
    In these two seconds two things happened; One: my mother was physically abused, for the first time. And two: I saw it.

As a child

Dismembered on the inside

smiling on the outside.

I still hear my cries

from when my father hit my mom.

The slap still echos

through the valleys of my mind.

The first act of violence

I've ever been scared of.

As a child of nine

dealing with the pain

of losing a father

who never cared

being reminded

your just like him

they turn their back

and say bad things.

Does this mean

I'm as bad as him?

As a child of ten I had no way

to deal with the pain.

Going against my family

and going insane.

Acting like an angel

with good grades.

While lying to my mother

and going to a club.

Having a boyfriend

and going to his house.

As a child of eleven

I discovered sharp objects.

Feelings tearing away

from the inside out.

Taking the razor

and dragging it

across my wrist.

They took away the pain

of being me.

As a child of twelve

I discovered hot metal objects.

Placing them against my skin

feeling the tear down my cheek.

The discolored skin

of being burned

by a flat iron.

It eliminated the pain.

As a teen of fourteen

I discovered my mother was a liar.

She promised never to get married.

She doesn't even love him.

Yet here I am

being torn away

from my mother

and left with my grandmother

like a piece of luggage.

She didn't even care.

I continued with my escapes.

As a teen of fifteen

I discovered something

I don't very much like

my family.

No one noticed

when I started to change.

The black pants and shirts.

The sudden want of darkness and cold.

Long sleeves in the middle of summer.

No skin shown when it's 100 degrees.

No one ever noticed

how much pain I hid.

No one ever cared

to undo the mask

that hid my pain.

No one ever cared

enough to make me change.

So I lie here in my grave.

At the age of sixteen

because I discovered

I never meant a thing.

Silence

      My mother leaves for work. The door slams. The unwelcome sun sneaks in threw the blinds. I sit there with my knees to my chest. I go to war with tears. No police sirens are heard. No gun shots echo through the town to my ears. Miles way from my real home. Alone. Times flown by. The new year is winding down. For the fist time in a long time music doesn't stain my ears.

     I stare out the window watching children play below it. They drift away. I wonder if they know how lucky they are. All they worry about is what game to play. Suburban neighbor hood keeps them safe while city kids fight for their lives.

     For the first time silence is all I want. To hear no gun shots that make me wonder if my friends are dead. No sirens taunt me. Here there's no noise. The silence tells me there is still hope for tomorrow. The silence tells me I'm safe. I'll live for another day.

     I think I'm beginning to like silence. I close my eyes and breath in. I hear my heart beating so loudly within me. Is this really my heart? Where have you been?

     Silence I welcome you. For now.

Screams

He screams her name
Slaps her across the face
He wants answers
That don’t exist
He throws her against the wall
Punches it until wires touch his skin
She begs him to stop
She tells him no lies
He won't have it
He wants her to say yes

She screams his name
The lies he tells
She never questions
She’s scared of his hands
They encircle her neck
Evidence always left behind
She reminds him of the girl
Sitting by the bedroom door.

She hears the screams
Her mothers voice
Clouds up her ears
She so afraid
Cowering in the corner
Covering her ears
She hears the door slam
But knows it's not over.