it’s kind of sad when you’re just so lonely, laying in bed, just thinking and you just need someone really bad because its so dark and there’s too much space around you and too many thoughts that need to be shared

Ever since I found out two years ago that I've had a murmur since I was born I've found it hard to trust my mother. I keep feeling like theres something wrong with me but she won't tell me. I know its stupid but its the way I feel. I have trust issues and abandonment issues thanks to both my parents, and friends of course.

           I've had dreams where I'm looking at myself stand at the top of a cliff and I'll look down to see nothing but darkness and I could feel the cold wind blow from behind me. My hair would wave in front of my face and my knee length summer black dress would blow in front of me as if wishing me to jump. I look up and see the full moon shining bright against a flat starless night. The air smelt like the winter snow and my feet itched against the still green grass.

            I found myself wishing for it to end, to make it all go away, to find real happiness. I'd smile as I looked at the full moon and close my eyes. I lean my head back and opened my arms as if I was going to hug someone. It's done, I'd think as I lean forward. The wind pushed harshly against me. It was like flying. It was like heaven. I was alone and happy, the way I liked it. I opened my eyes and saw the rocky landing. A sharp rock aimed for my heart and another for my head. It’s coming. It'll end fast then you can be happy forever. 

I wrote a poem around you

that filled you up in star dust

I wrote a story about us

and told the world to be soundless.

You whispered to me 

forever under the moonlight.

It built me up and tore me down

it was the ocean 

and it's calling me now.

To be quite honest,

I am slightly terrified of living.
     I dream of running away at the dead of night on my eighteenth birthday. I wish to travel to the west coast and see for myself if the grass is greener or the ocean cleaner. I want to dine and dash because I ran out of money. I want to work on a farm. I want my hands to get rough with labor. I want to fall in love and get hurt. I want to have children and return home full of regret for falling in love with a married man. I want to raise my children and teach them to be brilliant, free thinking, thrill seekers. I want to raise them to be everything I was always to scared to be.
     I want them, to be nothing like me because I'll always be to afraid live.

What's wrong with me?

I shed no tears or I shed too much.