Is it weird to look up to someone younger than you?

     I look at smiling pictures of my little cousin and think, "Wow, I wish I could smile so happily." But then I remember anyone can put on a fake smile in a picture and make it seem real. I remember that we've been through the same experience. I remember being four years old and getting molested for the first time. I remember her telling me she had been getting molested by the same man. Only difference was he lived in her garage and she was two years younger than me. Then I think, maybe she's forgotten about it. Maybe she received therapy, maybe she found a way to deal with it, maybe she was young enough to be able to turn it into a simple nightmare that was never reality.
     Is it weird to look up to someone younger than you? When I was in forth grade and she was entering second grade she finally told her parents what had been happening. When I was asked if it ever happened to me my body reacted on its own embarrassment and denied any such claims. It might have been the fact that my mother asked me while washing the dishes and my brother standing next to her or maybe it wasn't. But I regret it because maybe it I had admitted it, if I had told someone, anyone, I wouldn't feel as disgusting and perverted as I do now. Maybe if I had always admitted everything that has ever happened to me I wouldn't feel the need to cut myself. Maybe if I told my mom that five different guys molested me at different times I wouldn't suffer from depression.
     But in this life maybe isn't good enough and it doesn't get you anywhere. Still I can't bring myself to acknowledge my past and admit it. Not to anyone besides the cousin I haven't seen since I was 10 in the fifth grade. The only one to ever know my secret will be her and her alone.