I've had dreams where I'm looking at myself stand at the top of a cliff and I'll look down to see nothing but darkness and I could feel the cold wind blow from behind me. My hair would wave in front of my face and my knee length summer black dress would blow in front of me as if wishing me to jump. I look up and see the full moon shining bright against a flat starless night. The air smelt like the winter snow and my feet itched against the still green grass.

            I found myself wishing for it to end, to make it all go away, to find real happiness. I'd smile as I looked at the full moon and close my eyes. I lean my head back and opened my arms as if I was going to hug someone. It's done, I'd think as I lean forward. The wind pushed harshly against me. It was like flying. It was like heaven. I was alone and happy, the way I liked it. I opened my eyes and saw the rocky landing. A sharp rock aimed for my heart and another for my head. It’s coming. It'll end fast then you can be happy forever. 

I wrote a poem around you

that filled you up in star dust

I wrote a story about us

and told the world to be soundless.

You whispered to me 

forever under the moonlight.

It built me up and tore me down

it was the ocean 

and it's calling me now.

To be quite honest,

I am slightly terrified of living.
     I dream of running away at the dead of night on my eighteenth birthday. I wish to travel to the west coast and see for myself if the grass is greener or the ocean cleaner. I want to dine and dash because I ran out of money. I want to work on a farm. I want my hands to get rough with labor. I want to fall in love and get hurt. I want to have children and return home full of regret for falling in love with a married man. I want to raise my children and teach them to be brilliant, free thinking, thrill seekers. I want to raise them to be everything I was always to scared to be.
     I want them, to be nothing like me because I'll always be to afraid live.

What's wrong with me?

I shed no tears or I shed too much.

I push everyone away but at night, when I am all alone, I cry from loneliness.

Why is it that when people tell me I am deeply disturbed I feel the happiest?

I want the kind of love that makes it possible to write a 50 page description of them sleeping. The kind of love that even with a small but long peck on the lips is full of so much passion and love that they inhale your breath and you need to lean on them for support. The kind of love that makes you dizzy at a simple touch.

I,

     My whole life I've only been told how dangerous the world is, how fragile the human body is and how quick your mental state can decay. No one has ever told me the joys of living or the feeling of a quickened heartbeat when you're standing atop a mountain you've climbed. No one has told me of a happiness so amazing you'd drive yourself insane trying to feel it again. I have never once been told that they've cried of happiness.
     Life was simple to them. School, college, job, marriage, children, death. No extraordinary, no imagination, NO LIVING. No bungee jumping, the rope might brake. No motocross, you could die. No running down the street stark naked in the middle of the night, you might get arrested. No boyfriends, you could get pregnant. No falling in love, teenagers are stupid when in love. No sleep overs, you might get raped by their father or brother. No LIVING.
     But it was their mistake. They were in the wrong. Don't blame me for something they did. Don't make me so afraid to live I cry. I want to put my life on the line, I want a record, I want to REGRET. I want proof that I AM ALIVE. I want proof that I AM LIVING. I want to make mistakes I regret, I WANT A CHANCE TO REGRET.
     I want to climb to the top of Mount Everest spread my arms out and scream, "I AM ALIVE, THIS IS ME LIVING. HEAR ME SREAM!" I don't care if I am remembered by anyone other than my family, I just want them to know, I LIVED MY LIFE TO THE UTMOST LIMITS. I LIVED, PROVED IT, AND DIED. I HAD CHILDREN AND CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN AND RODE ON A CAMEL AND HAD AN AFFAIR WITH AN AFRICAN MAN WHO'S WORDS I COULD BARELY UNDERSTAND, I LIVED IN KOREA FOR FIVE YEARS, FELL IN LOVE, GOT MARRIED, AND BECAME A WIDOW.
     I want to feel the pain of proof that I AM ALIVE.
 I AM STILL HERE. I AM STILL HERE. I AM STILL HERE. I AM STILL HERE.
             I WAS NOT AFRAID TO LIVE. I WAS NOT AFRAID TO LIVE.

I was NOT afraid to live.